Midstairs

The underdog so often loses out, doesn’t it? Poor underdog. Take the midstairs for example. That’s right, midstairs. We keep referring to the upstairs or downstairs in everyday discourse when informing others of where we might be going or what we’re doing. Such as, “I’m going upstairs to bed, see you in the morning”. Or (speaking to your wife), “I just accidently pushed your mother downstairs. Unfortunately she doesn’t seem to breathing.”

Upstairs and downstairs are helpful, practical adverbial expressions in the usual sense (they can also function as a noun or adjective – but that’s a story for another day). That’s all very well. But what about poor old midstairs? It never – or hardly – gets a look in, does it? It should. Why not? Well, think about it. I mean if there was no midstairs no one would be able to get upstairs or go downstairs in the first place. You wouldn’t be getting the sleep you needed because you couldn’t reach your bed – at least for those of us with our bedroom all the way upstairs. And, possibly, you’d not have finally gotten rid of your mother-in-law, obtaining all the joy of watching her free-fall tumbling to a thumping death at the bottom of the stairwell in the process.

So, sorry, there’s just no escaping it. You have to necessarily traverse midstairs to reach either downstairs or upstairs. The midstairs is the crucial bit joining the two opposite ends together, a seamless bridge that you don’t even notice or normally give a second thought to. Without it you’d be stranded down the bottom or up the top with no way to reach the other side. Doomed with no foreseeable way to get back. Like the Star Trek gang on some weird where-the-hell-are-we-and-how-did-we-get-stranded-here? episode. Come to think of it, without midstairs we could never really have an upstairs or downstairs in the first place. Then what would we all do? Keep travelling and going places and meeting only on the horizontal plane? Relocating our bedrooms downstairs? Disposing of our mother-in-laws only by non-vertical means? Just think of the implications and how limiting and inconvenient this would be.

The midstairs. I wholly embrace it. I’m rooting for its linguistic relevance and subsequent usage. See you midstairs sometime as you make your merry way either upstairs or downstairs. 

The restaurant booking

People keep telling me, “Oh, I’ve booked the restaurant – see you there”. Then I get there and it turns out they only booked one table and all these other people are in the restaurant.

Email to Schick

From: Julian Hudson [mailto:cmantics@gmail.com]
Sent: Tuesday, 9 September 2014 9:08 PM
To: eapl.sales@energizer.com
Subject: Xtreme 3 Sensitive

Hi Schick

I’ve been a buyer of your Xtreme 3 men’s razors for a while now. I bought a packet the other week but only opened them up tonight, because I noticed my old Xtreme 3 was getting a bit rough and was cutting my skin. Anyway, pow! I saw on the packaging it said “New Look!”. That’s so exciting. When I opened them I thought, ‘how will my razors look different tonight?’. It doesn’t matter what bad things might happen to me this week – because my razors now have a new look.

Although I have to admit I couldn’t discern what the difference was. I wasn’t able to spot what you did to make this new look a reality. But I’m sure it was something deep and well thought out by your top Schick razor designers.

The other thing I noticed written on the packet was “4+1 free razor”. Great! Except I don’t want to sound negative. But I just wasn’t sure which razor in the packet was the actual free one. Still, each razor is as good as the other – so I resolved to think that it didn’t really  matter which one you had intended to be the free one.

Lastly, in future how will I know when the “New Look!” is something I’ve never seen before? I mean if you keep saying “New Look!” it would be hard for a customer to know when it is new to them. Do you think in future you might say “New New Look!”? I mean over time that could get a bit difficult, wouldn’t it? For example, “New New New New Look!”…it would just keep on going and end up looking very silly.

To this end, could I offer a suggestion? How about “New Look Mark II!” etc. Also, maybe you could have a competition. Call it “Slick Schickers” (a ‘Schicker’ representing a guy who uses Schick razors). In the competition, someone who can spot how the razor is different when it has a “New Look!”, is crowned “Slick Schicker of the Year” and gets 6 months’ worth of your razors for free. Maybe you could hold the crowning at a supermarket near to where the winner lives. I guess it would probably be Coles or Woolies since that’s pretty much all we have in Australia. But just don’t hold a crowning event if Jamie Oliver happens to be in Woolies, as he is all-powerful.

You never know, Coles or Woolies might jump at the chance since it could bring in more shoppers for them. If you choose an attractive guy to be the winner, this would probably work even better. Then you’d get droves of girls and ladies coming to the crowning event – and they love to shop! They might be enticed to purchase your ladies’ razors. Aha! An increase of your profits – you see where I’m going with all this!

You might also want to consider the following as a slogan for your men’s razors:

“Be a Slick Schicker, not a Schick Kicker”. What do you think? Run it past your marketing people.

Hoping my suggestions and feedback help. Please let me know.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely

Julian Hudson

The hair

A guy: I can see a hair on my face from the corner of your eye. It’s really bugging me.

Guy's friend: Right…don’t you mean from the corner of your eye?

A guy: That’s what I said – from the corner of your eye.

Guy's friend: I think what you mean is, from the corner of my eye.

A guy: But it’s not your eye. It’s from the corner of my eye that I can see the hair.

Guy's friend: Right, which is why you’d say from my eye and not from your eye.

A guy: That doesn’t make any sense. Like I said, it’s not your eye we’re talking about. It’s my eye that is seeing the hair. And the hair is on your face.

Guy's friend: Hang on, you mean my face. You should be saying the hair is on my face.

A guy: No, the hair’s on my face. So, why would I say the hair is on your face?

Guy's friend: Exactly. That’s what I’m saying. You already said in the beginning that you can see a hair on “my face”.  Those were your words.

A guy: You mean my words and not yours?

Guy's friend: Yes.

A guy: Ok, I did. But I didn’t mean your face. I meant mine.

Guy's friend: Right! Which is why your words were: “my face”.

A guy: Well that was just a mistake. I should’ve said your face.

Guy's friend: No, same thing as the eye. You should’ve said my face. Like you should have said my eye.

A guy: Why is this so difficult? It’s my face and my eye that we’re talking about. So why would I say your face and your eye when they’re both mine?

Guy's friend: That’s not what I mean. You’re just confusing the meanings of the words.

A guy: Well you seem pretty confused yourself!

Guy's friend: Ok, then. Why don’t we agree on at least something. We’re talking about a face. And there’s an eye and a hair involved. Right? Can we agree on this?

A guy: Yeah, ok. Fair enough. And it’s been a curly one.

Guy's friend: A curly hair? 

A guy: No, the conversation’s been curly.

Book launch - Writers2Watch - Manly Edition

We had our little book launch at Desire Books, Manly on the 14th of August. Thanks to Desire Books, guests and Many Writers' Group - especially Robert Salisbury who gave all us unknown writers the chance to be published.

Up there on stage reading my short story, it occurred to me: was I a launchee or was I a launcher? In one sense I was a part of launching the book. So, I guess in one way I was a launcher. On the other hand, I was part of what was being launched - so I was also a launchee. I guess you could say that makes me bi-launchual.

Writers2Watch - Manly Edition is available at Desire Books and Humphries.

Anyway, here are a few photos of the night in case you're interested...or if you just like photos of other people and places.

Displaying the book

Reading my short story to the audience

Reading my short story to the audience

Chatting with guests of the night

Inside Desire Books, Manly

With Mum.

Nick Basford, convenor of Manly Writers' Group (left) and Robert Salisbury, founder of the Group (right)

With my sister, Charlotte, and brother, Adrian

With my sister, Charlotte, and brother, Adrian

With Erin, my wife

Me (right) chatting with a guest

Inside Desire Books, Manly

Chatting with a guest

Book launch!

I'd just like to use an online loudhailer to quietly express excitement at having some of my writing published. It's a short piece, Slow down and hurry up about it, and has been included in a new book called Writers 2 Watch (the book's cover is above). The book is being printed as we speak, so no links right now.

But, here are the details of the launch for Writers 2 Watch: http://bit.ly/XLuo4y

Everyone is welcome! If you live in, say, America or Europe it's only a short and inexpensive plane ride to Sydney, Australia...

Recent studies

Recent studies show that we get our best hours of sleep from the moment we fall into a deep sleep to the moment we fully awaken. Studies also show that we feel most tired when we are conscious and aware that sleep has been poor and/or insufficient.

Governor releases statement

… And today the governor of the jail released the statement that some in the community had been waiting for. He said that after two years’ imprisonment the statement had learnt its lesson and should be freed. In fact, the governor said, it had been a model statement during its incarceration. He added that the statement was now free among the community to be fully expressed out loud by anyone choosing to do so when they saw fit.  

The statement released its own statement just hours ago – via a representative who stated he was making the statement on the statement’s behalf – claiming that it felt linguistically sound and was looking forward to being expressed by anyone, anywhere, anytime – except not before 9a.m. as it wasn’t too good in the mornings. The representative said that the statement wanted to thank all the other statements that had helped and supported it during such a trying period. According to the representative, the statement said it wanted to thank its lawyer for all his recent statements made throughout the court process, which helped secure its release back into the community. Finally, the statement’s representative stated that the statement said that were it not for the governor’s statements it would not be a free statement right now.  

The governor has yet to provide any statements in relation to the statement’s representative’s statements. 

Short skit - Bogesville shooting

Newsreader: “…And now to news closer to home. There’s been another shooting in Sydney’s west overnight, with a drive-by shooter firing four shots into a family residence in Bogesville. The incident brings the total number of shootings so far this year to nine. In this latest incident, a poor garden gnome was obliterated with a single bullet and although no one was hurt, the gun fired was quite loud, disturbing at least one local resident in the street. The resident said they awoke to four loud shots and later discovered a garden gnome lying in pieces on the neighbour’s front lawn. Our reporter, Sam Smiles, spoke to the resident earlier this morning”: Roll tape showing local resident speaking to Sam.

Resident: “I awoke to four loud shots and later discovered a garden gnome lying in pieces on the neighbour’s front lawn.”  End vision. Back to newsreader.

Newsreader: “NSW Police say that although this is the second such incidence this month, the rate of occurrences for the year is actually down by 50%. I spoke to senior sergeant Bo Nrain of Strike Force Get those Guys out West earlier today and here’s what he had to say”: Roll tape showing the senior sergeant speaking to newsreader.

Senior sergeant: “Although this is the second such incidence this month, the rate of occurrences for the year is actually down 50%.” End vision. Back to newsreader.

Newsreader: “Yes, in case you didn’t spot it, the only difference there was that I said “down by 50%”; whereas, the senior sergeant just said “down 50%”. Close, wasn’t it? We leave you tonight with images of two cute kittens tandem skydiving on a sunny day before softly landing in a lush, green meadow in rural France right in front of a nice saucer of milk. Thanks for your company. I’m Mae Bea, the best newsreader in the world. Stay with us now for Vac You Us, the new hit reality show about a vacuum store and its employees. Goodnight, Sydney.” 

Can I Help You?

It’s a cracking summer’s day along the strand. A man with a patchy red neck pops into the local fish ‘n’ chips shop.

Afternoon, says the shop keeper, raising his head to meet that of the stranger’s. Can I help you?

Yes, I have this rash on my neck, he replies. You see it here? he says, twisting slightly sideways to show the affected area.

Yeah, right, acknowledges the shop keeper with a polite look. But can I help you? Do you want to place an order?

I dunno, do you think fish would help?

Are you hungry?

No, I mean for the rash.

I can’t help you with the rash. But, if you want something to eat I could definitely help you.

Well… I suppose I could eat a little something. I’ll take a small California roll, can of Coke and two steamed dumplings. Pork.

Except this is a fish ‘n’ chips shop – we don’t sell sushi and dumplings.

But they might go well if you did.

Maybe so, but –

– then you could’ve at least helped by selling me something to eat. I mean you did ask if you can help me, without firstly specifying any semantic parameters.

Well, this is a fish ‘n’ chips shop, so that logically should’ve helped to set the context and therefore scope of my question for you.

Really? People assume so much these days. They expect so much of others in an increasingly complex world.

Well, I still can help you but only with the food we have on the menu. So, can I help you?

Yes, I’ve got this rash on my neck, he says leaning forwards. You see it? And on top of that now I’m hungry. I’ll have battered cod, two potato scallops with extra vinegar and salt, and a pineapple fritter. Pineapple fritters are the best. A little bit of tropical sweetness to contrast the saltiness and highlight the summer’s sunshine.

He stops looking up at the huge order board in front of him, then drops his head back down and stares blankly into the face of the shop keeper.

Oh, good choice! lied the shopkeeper. Although, I’m going to need your help, he confessed with an air of light and crispy embarrassment.

What’s that?

I’m out of fish. Do you think you could duck over to the fish shop in the arcade up the road, and pick up a nice piece of cod for me?

Duck. Fish. The road. And pick. Plus a bunch of prepositions. Why should I have to do all this?

I’ll give you a discount! he sprouted, clawing back some cheap ground.

With the prospect of saving money, aware he was yet to buy some sort of cream to relieve his rash, the man with the rash darts out and hurriedly walks over to the fish shop in the arcade. In the meantime, the fish ‘n’ chips shop keeper magically transforms his shop. He changes it into a bicycle shop from the past. When the man returns brandishing a fine specimen of fresh cod, the shop keeper looks awkwardly to the side where the deep fryers used to do their work – like bubbling, stainless steel, scaled down waterbeds with baskets in them – and says, sorry, I don’t sell fish ‘n’ chips anymore.

In a feverish gesture of restitution the shop keeper generously presents the man with the rash a bike to keep – a green dragster with tassels on the back of the speckled seat that flicker and race about in the wind like headless mini serpents at speed. The man and the piece of cod – which by now has a smiling face and functioning limbs – both mount the bike and they ride off into the sunset like long lost friends. On a green dragster. With tassels on the back seat. The cod is doing the peddling as he has longer legs out of the two.

At this stage, all parties are somewhat bewildered and notice a creeping sensation of dissatisfaction and foreboding. Unfortunately, the cod begins to lack oxygen and starts desperately gasping for air, and his legs badly tire and feel like they’re burning on the inside. He knew all that muscle-building protein powder was a load of bullshit. Why did I buy it? he pondered with a frown in the shape of  regret. Well everyone else seemed to be, he muttered to himself with a tone of resignation and a flippant shrug.

As for the shop keeper, he begins to lament having opened up a bike shop as a wave of realisation sweeps over him, his eyes opened wide. Cooking really is his thing after all – not bicycles. Not to mention looming guilt that he could possibly have mistreated the man with the rash. Can I help you? You’ve gotta follow through if you say that to someone, he reflects. Not just dish out compensatory gifts. 

Thankfully, it was at this moment that the fish awoke and realised the whole series of events had been a weird dream. The fish ‘n’ chips shop, the shop keeper, the man with the rash and the green dragster from the 70s. Everything. Even the pineapple fritters, which he thought was a strange food to eat now that he was fully conscious. Kelp patties make so much more sense, he thought. Spanning his fins out to their max and most stiff, he flapped himself upwards from the sandy, sunlit, shallow seabed before propelling his little cod-bod forwards to catch up with the other cod in the school.

Hey, Jeremy, can I help you? 

Yeah, can you all just wait up a minute while I catch up?

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, your thoughts!.. That's right, you! My reader.

I received some feedback on this piece, which said there was too much going on. Also, that in terms of struggle, it went from the rash, to the lack of fish, to the bike ride – hopping point of view with each transition. So, because of these things, the reader giving feedback said they couldn’t find an emotional connection with any character.

Lastly, the person giving feedback also said that a lack of punctuation, specifically the lack of dialogue tags and quotation marks, was a distraction making it difficult to read. 

What are your thoughts about this? Or, are there any aspects or examples of your own writing that you’d value a second opinion on?

Sydney Bus Ticket

I don’t understand. The ticket says ‘NO RIDES LEFT’. That makes it a bit difficult to get around, doesn’t it? Do they mean that after 10 rides I can now only take bus rides leaving exclusively from the right? And whether it’s left or right all depends where you’re standing. Which way you’re looking up – or down – the road. It’s called deixis. I know. It’s a pretentious looking word.

Until this ticket ended so scarily I’d freely been boarding buses and taking rides left and right. Rides taking me to where I wanted to go. But this ticket has got me all worried. I might have to reconsider taking buses anywhere now! You know what I mean? I feel a tad discouraged after seeing this ticket. A bit dirty. What if I get caught? What should I say? Is it worth getting a fine over? Sorry, I didn’t mean to take this bus ride left. I thought it was going right. You’re telling me I’m wrong.

Things are so complicated these days and it can be hard to function in everyday situations. To know what to do or say. This bus ticket is just another example of how tricky it can be to navigate your way around things. Anyway, I’ll try not reading into it too much. I’ll give it another go. Buy another bus ticket and see what happens.

Hmmm…no rides left…hope that doesn’t mean that there are no more bus rides operating in Sydney at all. Has Sydney Buses run out of rides? Usually you run out of tickets or money for the rides you want, you know, like at fun parks or whatever. But this! They’ve actually run out of the rides themselves? Have all rides been ridden?

Does any of this make any sense to you? If it does (even if it doesn’t), please send me all your unused bus tickets to the address below and I’ll check them out for you. See if they work on the buses. And don’t ask your parents for permission first.

Random Breath Test

“Evening, sir. We’re conducting random breath testing. We saw you approaching and decided to randomly stop you. Besides, I haven’t seen this new model Ford up close before and wanted to check it out. Nice car. Sir, have you had any drinks this evening?”

“No, I haven’t.

"Oh, well, can I offer you a refreshing beer, sir? I’ve got some in the patrol car.”

“Oh, that’s very kind of you! But I’m about to undergo a random breath test, so it’s probably not such a good idea.”

“They’re icy cold.”

“Mmm…I still shouldn’t. Tempting, though.”

“Fair enough, sir. Okay, I’m going to ask you to blow into this bag, and to keep blowing until I ask you stop. Do you understand?”

“I frequently understand – although some things are beyond my comprehension.”

… "Sir?”

“What?”

“The bag here.”

“You said you were going to ask me to blow into the bag. You haven’t actually done that yet.”

“Oh, yes. Silly of me! Okay, please blow into the bag and keep blowing until I ask you to stop.”

The driver places his lips over the tube and begins to blow into the bag.

“That’s it, keep going, sir…annnd stop. Okay, the light indicates you’re all clear. In fact I can see right through you.”

“Really? Most people say I’m difficult to read.”

“I wouldn’t say so, sir. Now, books. They’re hard to read. Alright, sir, thank you for being so cooperative. Please drive on.”

“It was my pleasure and I will.”

“Sir, can I ask you one last question?”

“Certainly.”

“That was it. That was my last question, I was just testing you and you were very accommodating. Oh, and, sir, I may need to call upon you as a witness. So, I’ll need your phone number, sir.

“Well, actually, you can’t have it – but what I can do is give you a copy. Let me write it down for you. Here you go.”

“Is this an original copy, sir? Although, I never quite understood this. How can a copy also be an original? And how can an original be a copy? Either you have the original, or you have a copy of the original. I don’t think the concept of copies should take on a hierarchal nature. It makes a mockery of originals and they were on the scene first. Where would it all end, you know? Like, ‘This is a copy of the original copy from the original’. See what I mean? Ludicrous”

“Well, what I gave you is a copy of my phone number. Anyway, what would I need to be a witness for?”

“Witness for the prosecution. I’m re-making a movie in my spare time. Policing just doesn’t pay well enough. Unless you accept bribes. You don’t want to offer me a bribe, do you, sir?”

“Well, I might’ve but without trying to sound petty, you did use up your one last question a number of lines ago.”

“Fair enough. Goodbye, sir.”

“Goodbye.”